The Darkest Secret
by hajikurazaki19
Summary: Mary is the new girl at school, but what happens when she sets her sights on Edward? Something witty maybe…
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everybody. I'm once again stepping into uncharted waters. Ah, the realm of Twilight, forever in my mind to be made fun of. So, that's exactly what I did. I hate Twilight with a burning passion, and I am currently in the midst of a writer's block. This is what happens when blocks are left simmering too long.  
><strong>

**God, I hope I get flamed for this. Go ahead, I dare you.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Being the new girl was nothing to sneeze at. It was grueling and difficult, and—to be quite honest—evil to some degree. But, what could someone expect when they move from a lovely little suburb in New Jersey to the dreary and very wet Forksandspoons, Washington? Well, Forks for short.<p>

What could one expect?

Rain for one. Trees for two. And three's company.

I moved here because I loved my mother so much, I promised that I would spend time with my nonexistent parent, Carl, so I could "foster a semi functioning relationship". I had no idea that he would be so receptive to my arrival. He brought me home without saying a word, and took my luggage in without saying a word, and even led me to my room…without saying a word.

"So, uh, Carl?"

Carl looked at me and made this face. I didn't know what he was doing, but it looked to me like he was a tad bit constipated. He probably was because I saw a half-eaten roll of chocolate flavored laxatives in the bathroom not even a whole hour later.

Oh, but I have yet to introduce myself.

And it would probably be wise to skip the next couple of paragraphs. Err, I mean…my name is Mary Antiqua Ronald Yamaha-Susan Uinta Essen. I had a family tree that was more than confusing with about a hundred bastard children thrown in throughout the centuries so that's why my name is so long. I apologize if that inconveniences you.

I suppose you could call me attractive. Or at least as attractive as New Jersey suburbanites get. One could judge that for themselves based off of popular shows such as "Jersey Shore" or "Jerseylicious" because those are totally accurate portrayals of what New Jersey is like and this is not a scathing remark.

Har. But in all seriousness, I'm, like, six feet tall and severely malnourished because my metabolism sucks and I realize that I need to gain weight, but I can't afford the regimens that the doctors prescribe me. They are concerned about my weight, and quite frankly, so am I. I don't know why people think it's funny.

And my hair, due to the lack of nourishment is rather drabby. It used to be this healthy brown before it lost its luster, and my skin is this kind of ugly gray. I really think it might be stress related. I mean, I've moved to a cold place in the middle of nowhere to live with a man that I barely know and I have an unhealthy body that I've been trying to fix for a while. I would think that's pretty stressful.

So, I'm getting off track so let me just skip to the excited parts of my tale.

I walked into the school and instantly, all eyes were on me. I thought it had something to do with the fact that I was a tall, lanky, girl with bad skin and hair, but then I found out that this place never really got new students all than often.

That certainly explains a lot.

"Hi!"

Really happy people freak me out something awful. They're so peppy and i'st weird. I tried to ignore this super happy person because I'm supposed to be a ray of darkness with nothing to live for who speaks in cryptic metaphors and random internet memes.

"Uh, I'm not interested in you because I have to go through a whole depression before I can make friends." That was totally and one hundred percent true.

"My name is Jessica or something."

I glared at her as ghoulishly as I could without expending too much energy. I had to be nice enough while still being a sassy bitch with really clever dialogue. "Didn't you just hear me say I'm not into you. Why don't you go get a coffee…with cream or something. Because I'll tell you something—"

"This is a happy place!" she said. "I saw it too."

I suddenly didn't dislike her as much as I had previously had. She could get where I was coming from even though I didn't even know that myself. Forksandspoons wasn't so bad anymore.

I lied.

I found out that Jessica was actually a member of the Welcome Committee and was only talking to me because she was paid an extra's salary to do so. I was definitely welcome in this miserable high school that was just like any other, but not by her. She didn't like me, which was okay. I didn't like me half the time, and my old classmates didn't like me too much either. I guess most highschoolers don't like each other.

So that's not that special.

I was in Biology, which was the first class of the day. I loved Biology. I could learn about all these horribly disgusting things that could make lesser willed people barf, but I found it fascinating. There is nothing sexier than a human being who actually wants to learn in this era. And by learn, I mean textbooks, chalkboards, and real teachers who actually teach. Not I-Phone's, laptops or anything Apple.

And that's exactly what this class was. For some reason, I got distracted by the poorly laid out school hallways, and was late to class, therefore I was to be subjected to the torment of being introduced by the teacher himself. Or herself, I can't remember if the teacher was guy or not because the movie sucked so badly.

"This is Mary Antiqua Ronald Yamaha-Susan Uinta Essen, whose name is so long it has to be copy-and-pasted," Teacher said. "Please be normal highschoolers and hate her to the point of her self-esteem being affected so she can write a series about sparkling vampires."

"Hi Mary." It was slightly unnerving how they all spoke in unison.

Teacher sat at his/her desk. "You can sit next to that awful stereotyped cliché over there. He's the only one who has an empty seat next to him, since that last new girl disappears for extended periods of time without letting anybody know."

"Okay…?"

I sat down in the only conveniently empty seat and looked at the guy sitting next to me. He was indeed a stereotyped cliché. Extra mysterious with a side of dark secret. I had to know what it was because I was suddenly an extra nosy person who wanted to know why he hated me even though we had not yet exchanged words.

"I strongly dislike you for reasons that I cannot explain in a room full of idiots."

I kind of grimaced a little. "That's okay. It's high school. Everybody will figure it out eventually. That is until you move to some dark place to go to college with your girlfriend and child."

"I suddenly dislike you less."

"It's definitely because my dialogue is awkward and you find it irresistible." Yep, I was a magical mind reader now. I loved being right.

"You are telling the truth," he said. "It is impeccably ridicule-worthy."

I raised a slightly concerned eyebrow. "Lolwut?"

"I use big words randomly so I can appear smarter."

"Why?"

"I was written that way, STFU."

"Oh, you didn't introduce yourself, I'm Mary."

The boy leaned away. "I need to make an offhand comment before I tell you that I get introduced by the peanut gallery. You smell really good, like that new fragrance from Bath and Body Works."

I nearly choked on my own spit. "That was really insulting. You never comment on how people smell. Especially if they smell good."

The boy frowned. "Fine, I need to escape before I have to look at amoebas or the cycle of a cell with you."

I stood up. "Fine, I'll let that unattractive pale chick from Arizona sit next to you."

I stalked off feeling mighty proud of myself until I realized that I gave up one of the highest grossing, horrible "perfect-character-career-making-and-breaking" roles since Harry Potter.

Seriously, whatever happened to Ron?

Anyway, I had to go to lunch or something so I could listen to people talk about each other while there were some well-placed falling apples and clever tie-ins to book covers. I'm not kidding…that was a really good looking apple, and when that scary chick fell like a klutz, they had to probably shoot that part four or five times.

Far too many apples were sacrificed.

"That's Edward-usedtobecedricdiggory-Cullen."

Jessica was really starting to annoy me now. She was mashing all her words together like I do and I realized that I needed to be far less annoying than she was. Forget the fact that she was a tiny nugget-person and I was a lumbering giant, she and I had too much in common. I was determined to have a miserable life here…by any means necessary.

So I had my goal. Use Edward Cullen to make my life miserable.

That was easy enough. He hated everybody, and had hated everybody until about five seconds ago. That klutzy whoever she is had stolen his heart. I couldn't have that. Edward was better at brooding than he was at making women feel terrible about themselves, and he was only created from some imaginary wish fulfillment.

If he never got his wish-fulfillment, then he would never be happy, and he would forever brood, therefore making my life miserable. That is what I want. Now I just have to get it.

Easy enough, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Flame me. Please. I want your scorn.<strong>

**Has a nice day. ;P**


	2. Chapter 2

**Good morning everybody. Haji here with another chapter of fun-ness. Ragging on Twilight because I love to.**

**Enjoy, yo.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Okay.<p>

I had my goal in mind, and through off screen means, I put a bulletproof plan together. It involved the sabotage of all the girls who wanted to be with Edward, including that klutzy chick Belladonna Swanna or something like that.

I first figured out that she was the one. You know, the Chosen One, the only girl in the world, the protagonist, the one true hero. Yeah, I figured it out when she said something along the lines of "I need Edward like I need a really bad rash. I absolutely frockin' need it!"

So, because she is the neediest girl I've ever seen in my whole eighteen years of existence, I decided that she needed to be taken down. That way, Broody McMysteriouspants could be broody and make my life a living Hell. That should be easy enough, right? Hell, I'll send a couple of creepy drunk guys who have been deprived of sex after her. That would show her that other people are into her besides mysterious "forever-alone" seventeen forever vampire goth people.

However, I realized only too late that BellaDancerella was going to be going to the movies. I think she was going to see "The Last Airbender" but I wasn't sure until she came out of the theater looking disappointed and robbed. I guess the movie was not that great.

"Uh, listen lady, we haven't got all night for you to fantasize about weird pale girls from Arizona and gothic vampires from Hell."

I think the guy I hired to add some depth to BellaPaleson's character's name was Steve or something. Anyway, I told him to watch all these horny movies so he could think about sex while he was walking past her, therefore his carnal man-desires would take him over like a zombie and he would totally give BellaStair a reason to be totally dependent on a man so she could gauge her self-worth.

Where was the logic in that? I dunno. In all honesty, I think Steve was gay, but I wasn't sure.

"Go, pretend to be scary."

Steve, drunk and horny off of horny videos stalked after her after she decided to walk off into the darkness on her own in a strange place. She was the smartest girl at school, for sure. As soon as he wasn't anywhere near her, a really nice and expensive looking car—probably a Volvo because those were the coolest cars in Washington after a Saturn—suddenly appeared out of nowhere and Edward, all mysterious and dark showed up. I could see he was angry. Angrier than that feral cat video on YouTube that everyone thinks is funny.

And can you believe he saved her? From a nonexistent threat from a guy I was pretty sure was gay? He threw her into the car and drove away all Batman like until I saw him take her to some ritzy restaurant. A restaurant that cost all of three dollars to park in front of for an hour. With funny food and a funny name.

_Ritzy Five Minute Backdrop Sequence_

That was too long of a name to be honest. I would have called it _Vague Backstory Bullshit _or _The Part Where She Actually Eats Something Even Though She Doesn't. _That _Ritzy_ was too Hollywood for me.

Anyway, she was talking all romantically slash panicky slash horny-y and figuring stuff out, though not really. I would have guessed that Edward had some kind of thing against Italian food or mushrooms because he wasn't eating at all. I mean, a Gopher even offered him a refreshment and he refused.

They talked for a very long time. Or it only felt like a long time because of all the camera angles shifting and stuff. I kept glancing at my watch, wishing she would just ask the most obvious questions so we could get the "big surprise" out of the way. I did not want to have to suffer through a strange forest-sparkle scene where she pretends to be not scared, but we can't tell if she's sleeping or not. After maybe a few more minutes that seemed to drag on for days, Edward swept Belladele away.

He had shown her his special mind reading ability, though he used this weird "voices in the head" analogy that didn't really make any sense. I would have just said "I can read everybody's mind except for yours FTW!" super loud so people would think I'm crazy.

And you know what? He said people were thinking about sex most of the time.

Now I'm no expert, but I've seen that throughout history—yes this happens on more than one occasion—people have been thinking about sex. I mean, in real life, people are horny about ninety-five percent of the time. And he said that like it was wrong for the prepubescent demographic to think that thinking about sex is so totally wrong.

It's not.

In fact, it's wrong if you are NOT thinking about sex. So, what exactly is Mr. McMysteriouspants thinking about if he is not thinking about jumping the bones of "the most unattractive girl in school"? Probably the smell of her flower scented blood and the feel of her warmthness being sucked away by his cold body…I mean protecting her from all the evils in the world like a chivalrous early twentieth century gentleman.

So I took a taxi back to Forks in an effort to make it home before my Carl noticed that I was gone. Not like it even mattered. He never spoke to me. And I would go more into detail about how I grew up without a father, but then that would add depth to my shallowness and I cannot have that burden on me right now. One dimensional characters have it easy in the fiction world. They can have whatever they want. I like it this way.

When I made it home since I could not find Edward and his temporary love interest, I opened my front door and I saw my father watching TV. I thought it was weird that he was always watching soap operas and movies that were dubbed in French, but I just figured that he liked foreign films. I like foreign films.

Whoa! I'm getting into character development. Back to the story with you!

Carl nodded at me as I made my way upstairs to continue my off screen plotting, but I was suddenly interrupted by a soft knocking on my bedroom window. I thought to myself exactly how this could go, and I boiled it down to two, possibly three outcomes.

One, it would be Romeo knocking on my window to whisk me away to a paradise for characters such as myself, where lollipops and gumdrops would rain from the heavens and I could do whatever I wanted without opposition. Similar to being a dictator only I would be nice because I would be suddenly very attractive, and not so malnourished and pale and lanky. And my hair would be this awesome shade of brown with blond and red lowlights to accent my "daring" nature.

Two, it would be a pervert rapist who would do unimaginable things to me for reasons that I would not possibly be able to understand. And I would be scarred for about thirty years until I get a therapist who tells me that I am a strong independent woman who needs to let the past go.

Or three…it could be George Clooney.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any one of those things. I would have personally preferred Romeo. It was Edward.

The first thing that should have come to mind was how on earth he managed to get up here, much less sit on a rotting window sill for God knows how long until I noticed his knocking. But, no, the first thing that occurred to me was to let him in because that's how all teenagers profess their hidden desires for each other. By climbing into windows and looking extra scary.

"Stop being so clingy."

I looked at him defiantly. Sassy bitch time. "That's what she said."

Edward was all looming and looking extra intimidating when I tweaked him on the nose. That was the ultimate snub in any fandom. It was demeaning, meant for lesser kind, punishment for being insufferable. And he deserved it. I mean, he didn't even reveal his lust for his temporary love interest.

"What did you do that for?"

"To insult you because you is falling in love with an idiot."

Edward shrugged. "Well, what do you want me to do? I'm part of a massive cult where the desire for wish fulfillment is the only requirement. I can't escape."

This was my opportunity. And I was going to take full advantage of it.

"Why don't you scare her?"

Edward blinked thoughtfully. "Scare her?"

"Yeah, drop a spider in her soup or something. Or make sure she's extra thirsty. Get rid of all the beverages in the house. Then tell her there's a glass of ice on the table. When she goes to pick it up, there will be a cockroach in the glass. Ha!"

Edward blinked again. "Uh, I think I have a better idea."

"What?" I scoffed. "Gonna tell her you're a vampire?"

"Exactly."

As Edward went to jump out the window like a crazy person, I waved him off. "That's the lamest joke ever."

But, when he was out of sight and out of earshot, I began to wonder. Was Edward really a vampire?

COOL!

* * *

><p><strong>I can read everybody's mind except for yours FTW!<strong>

**Has a nice day. :D  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**So, after not as long a time as I would have thought, I actually wrote a decent length chapter. Of course, this is for mind exercising purposes. Okay, well whatever.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>So, after many weeks of off screen stalking and note taking, I is going to say exactly what I found out about the most mysterious wish fulfillment character I have ever laid my gorgeous, non descript eyes on. I toiled through unimaginable amounts of purple prose written in the voice of a self loathing adolescent in order to find this very very VERY important thing about my ticket to misery.<p>

That's right: absolutely nothing.

Yep, figures he disappeared on the only sunny day in the area for seven centuries. Hiking was what people said. Hiking with his family. Man, I wish I could go to a high school where I could just take the day off because it was sunny without getting into any kind of trouble whatsoever. Oh, wait, I do.

Anyway, I decided about half way through that one biology class—because that seems to be the only class at this school besides the William Shakespeare References Rock class—that I was going to skip the rest of the day. If anybody asked, I would just tell them that I was a vampire who liked to go hiking on sunny days. That would get people to leave me alone.

I'm getting off track. Excuse me.

When I saw Bellarina, she looked like she was dying. Literally, she looked like she was going to keel over right in the middle of the hallway from the pain of not seeing her favoritest vampire buddy for only a few hours. I did want to smack her out of pure rage face jealousy because she was taking away my misery. I was feeling happier that day, and I was determined to make this a living hell for myself so I had something to complain about.

Because if teenagers don't complain about something, they're considered young adults, and then they would have to get a _job_. Oh, god, not a job.

So, now I had to find Edward and tell him straight up that he had to stay to make my life miserable. But, hey, he implied that he was going to take my advice and scare BellaTricks away. I couldn't interfere with that. And judging by the page count, it was bound to happen eventually. I just had to be patient. Lie in wait until the time was right.

Flipping through pages. Flipping through pages. God damnit, when is he going to say it?

"Bella, I need to talk to you…" Edward said.

Yawn.

"How can I trust you even though I'm so totally in love with you right now?"

Double yawn.

"I'm not really seventeen."

Oh, here we go. I grabbed my conveniently placed popcorn bucket and stuffed my malnourished face. After all, when a major plot point is coming up, this is a cause for celebration…and eating. I was watching ever so quietly, waiting for Bella to jump out of her skin and run away, screaming like a teeny baby.

"Are you afraid?"

This was it, the moment I've been waiting all my life for. I found out that Edward was a vampire (like I already didn't know. I mean, I've only been saying it, like, forever.) And BellaPanders would be out of my life forever and ever and ever.

"No."

Bitch be lying. If you could imagine the tantrum that I threw, well, let's not go into it. Let's just say there was popcorn everywhere and slight traces of vomit because I had suddenly become so sick to my stomach that I was in danger of morphing into another teenager I know who has these strange pains when things don't go her way.

And then I threw my Twilight book out the window and set half a forest on fire so the publishers would have to go farther away to get the trees for printing, therefore would have to pay more to get there paper milled, which would cause a hike in Twilight book prices, which would then cause people to not read it. Ha, ingenious!

Anyway, I flew across town after finding out that BellaSarah was so lying about not being afraid of a vampire. I said vampire. You know, I want to suck your blood and tempt you into lewd sexual acts so I can drag you into eternal damnation. No reflection, dislikes garlic, turns into a bat with their magical vampire powers. Can't walk in sunlight _at all. _Vampires!

As soon as Edward left that lying hooman, I stalked right up to her. It was time to break the rules of canon and get involved intimately with a main character. This was getting way out of hand. She was stealing his heart. And I couldn't have that.

"Hey!"

BellaJella turned around. It didn't matter that we were suddenly in the forest for no good reason. I mean, Edward had left her there, but it was three days later (without a transition to save time). She looked positively frigid and boring, ghoulish almost. I wasn't _nearly _as pretty as she was, but damn, at least I had some color in my face. It was red now. Red for rage, but she was really pale and stony looking.

But, wait, didn't she live in Arizona before?

And doesn't Arizona have lots and lots of sun? Because it's a desert?

And don't people get tan when they live in the desert?

So many questions, so little time. But, I didn't have enough to spare. I had to get down to business, but then…she vanished. Crap, did I miss a plot point again? No matter, I had successfully infiltrated canon, therefore, the plot could not move forward without my approval?

"Excuse me, Mary?" asked the plot. "May I move on now?"

"Yes you may," I say. "Insert me in."

Plot nodded as it were. "He's about to sparkle, M'lady."

Excellent. As I inserted into the plot, which is a gruesome, harrowing ordeal for all parties involved, I suddenly began to transform. You see, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, but when in Twilight, you must stand out. That it the only true way to be fully inserted into canon. Was I breaking a rule? Hell yeah, but my poking and prodding from the outer realms was doing nothing. I was going to have to rewrite the annals of Twilight history.

Impossible? Not for me.

First things first, though it hurts to do so, I need to create a history. A plausible reason for moving to Forksandspoons. Hmm…Arizona? No…

Oh, I know.

Because my mother hated me more than her job—no, that's not right. How about—when I was a little girl, my daddy moved to Forksandspoons to become a farmer—no, that's not it either.

Okay, this time for real—my mother was a career woman.

She loved me so much that she decided to pursue a career as a prominent researcher in the scientific community. Because she had to travel so much, I didn't really get to see her, but that left no hostility towards her. I loved her with all my heart, though the sadness did take a toll on my body even though I tried to force it not to. I ended up having a thyroid issue where it was difficult for me to gain and keep weight on my body. So, my mother asked some of her best doctor friends what was wrong. They couldn't tell me, but they prescribed me this medication that would help a little bit.

My mother had to go on a researching expedition to France. She didn't want me to come because other countries could be dangerous for a tourist and I wasn't that independent where I could spend weeks, even months, alone in a foreign land. So, I had two options.

I could go to a boarding school in California, or I could live with my father, Carl, in Forksandspoons. I had never really seen my dad either for reasons that will never be specified, so I decided that I'd rather live in a cold, dreary place with no hope and little sunshine. Oh, and Starbucks coffee.

Forksandspoons High. I was the new girl and—as this is a minor misconception—I was not greeted with open arms like I had seen in canon. In fact, I was met with much hostility. Apparently, outsiders were poison to the tiny community. And this was to be expected.

I lived in a tiny town a long time ago in a different life, and new kids were usually beaten and attacked constantly until at least three generations went by. Tight-knit towns where everybody knows everybody else are not the places for new beginnings where teen love is in the air. Also, since when in this day and age were teenagers completely trusting of each other?

I don't know about you, but when I see large groups of teenagers in any place, I fear for my life because teenagers are stupid and like to pull pranks and cause trouble and rob people of their dignity. Yes, I realize that I am a teenager. Yes, I am stupid. I've never robbed somebody, but in order to stay "cool" I probably would. But, that's not the point.

"Hey, new girl!"

Oh look, it's a totally hot Asian that I don't remember being described in the book as Asian. Eric, I think. I think I might like him.

"Uh, hi?"

"Wow, two new girls in one week? That's unusually suspicious."

I don't think I like him anymore.

"Yeah," I said quickly. "Listen, I'm looking for the other new girl."

"Why?"

"She's…uh, she's my sister." Biggest lie I ever told.

"That's funny, Bella didn't say anything about a sister."

I blinked. "It's because I'm her long lost sister from a different country."

Eric smiled with false merriment. Underneath, I could see his mistrust of me. But, I ignored it. I just had to switch a few things around in canon, then go back to my world where Edward hated BellaRino, and was going to make my life Hell. Though, I felt miserable here, too. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

Said the plot, "Hurry, he's about to sparkle."

"But, I'm in school."

Said the plot, "Wish it and it shall be. Hurry."

I closed my eyes and before me appeared a book. "YOU ARE HERE" was printed along one sentence in bold red ink. I guess that was my place in the plot. I flipped a couple of pages back, and saw canon Bella walking into the school where she was greeted with open arms. She was extra pale that day. I flipped back more and saw her brooding in her house. This certainly was an interesting power. No thought about the ramifications of screwing around with the universe instantly came to mind, so I passed where I was to the field of flowers and junk where canon Edward would reveal to canon Bella that he sparkles.

Yep, I said sparkles.

Like the glitter on a kindergarten Christmas ornament. This would have to be my opportunity. You see, in my world of not canon, everything is just a dumb-down version of the real canon. The canon that has single mothers swooning over teen sensations and prepubescent girls squealing whilst they do "bad things" to themselves.

I did not just say that…yes I did.

Now, if I could bring a revelation to the canon Edward, I could essentially rewrite the plot point that turned Twilight into a hyper-successful four book-ten movie-vampire franchise. Dracula? Lestat? Nosferatu? Who cares about them when you have Wikipedia?

Which, by the way, I changed it so that vampires sparkle in the sun. I wouldn't want the original author to be discredited at all. Then what kind of person would I be? Spread the knowledge, yo.

So, as I was watching the scene unfold before me, I noticed a back story being developed. I turned my attention away for just a brief moment and poked at the back story to get it to talk to me.

Said the back story, "What do you want?"

"I want to know how you've been."

Said the back story, "Underdeveloped. I need more screen time. Help me, please."

"I promise you will have your time."

Said the back story mournfully. "I will not. Nobody loves me."

"What are your motivations?"

Said the back story. "These vampires don't know why they want to kill canon Bella. She smells like flowers, that must be it."

"Then make her smell like bacon."

Said the back story, "So it shall be."

It began to write sentences that were overlaying the sentences already written. It wrote of how canon Bella's blood smelled no longer like flowers, but like bacon. And then a real reason for their mysterious need to kill and eat canon Bella came to fruition. Jealousy was also there, and rage, and loneliness. All good things to kill mindlessly.

Meanwhile, I watched Edward sparkling in the sunlight. It was my turn to do something drastic.

"Stop!"

Edward and Bella looked at me. I had suddenly appeared before them like a spiritual phenomenon and they should have been scared. How many people just see teenagers pop into existence like that? Not many.

Canon Edward hissed and pushed canon Bella away. I think he was trying to protect her, but it looked more like he was diminishing her self-worth so that she would rely solely on him and throw herself into a spiraling depression when he left her.

"Who are you?" he barked.

I blinked. "I is here to warn you of your imminent doom." I looked at canon Bella. "Mostly you."

Canon Bella opened her mouth, but canon Edward stopped her. "What?"

I nodded. "Yes, there are three vampires coming to kill canon Bel—I mean Bella. It's because her disgusting bloody smell has turned them into real monsters."

Canon Edward gasped. "We have to get you to safety."

He grabbed canon Bella and dragged her away despite her protests.

Did that even happen in that order? I closed my eyes and the original manuscript of Twilight appeared before me again. I thought there was a baseball game to a Muse song involved, but whatever. I'll just cut that part out. In fact, I'll cut all the purple prose too. Well, maybe not all of it.

I'll leave the little bit of heart wrenching fear that canon Bella _does_ feel. Since it is such a cherished feeling that does not appear enough, I'd thought I'd keep it. Just to remember how to NOT act around a vampire who tells me every day that he wants to kill me. Him and his vampire family. Scratch that. Cut the family. Except Alice because she can see the future.

OMG, le gasp-eth!

Alice can see the future! Which means that she'll be able to tell the original author about all the things I've changed. And since authors have author powers, that could be catastrophic. I have to change it. Time to think critically.

I could just wipe her away, but damnit, I already said she could stay. Maybe I could convince her to not say anything to the original author. I could give her money or something or make it so she can't see what I'm doing—

That's it!

"Plot!"

Said the plot, "Yes, ma'am?"

"I can change anything, right?"

Said the plot, "As long as you wish it, it shall be."

"I want Alice's future visions to be super mega cryptic."

Said the plot, "As you wish, but what is the reason?"

I thought for a second. Plot had my back because it was going to make my existence in this world absolutely perfect in every way. So things couldn't happen for no reason.

"Alice gets sick," I said. The words began to appear over the baseball scene. "Because canon Bella was at their baseball game. The smell of bacon was so overpowering, that Alice could not stay around anymore. She began to feel vampire hunger cramps so she left without telling them that the band of three vampires was on their way to kill canon Bella."

Plot nodded, and the scene unfolded before me. It had a couple of kinks in it. Mostly the other place holders wondering why Alice was acting so strange. But, I could get away with not explaining that. As soon as I had finished dictating the rest of my plot points, they happened and it was great to watch. I'm not going to explain my great ideas because none of you is worthy to see it. I'll just tell you what happened in a rhyme.

Ahem.

James the vampire came to the field to carry out his greedy desires.

Edward and Bella fled to the south, where the sky was always on fire.

James found Bella in the dance room that just happened to be gray.

Edward fought James in a fight you shan't see, just know that he saved the day.

And Bella was in the hospital, where I would keep her if I could.

But there's more to the plot I'm just dying to change, but I don't think I should.

The end.

Great poem, right? I know.

But, the end of Twilight came and I decided that I had changed the canon enough to suit me. I made it ten thousand times easier to kill BellaCarol in my world so I thought that my time here was finished. The rest of the series would do just fine on its own, so I didn't have to worry about it too much. I would just go back to my Forksandspoons, and go about my life with my friends and my rules. And then, I would be miserable for the rest of my life.

Hooray!

* * *

><p><strong>Who agrees that Bella should have smelled more like bacon? I think that would have been a much more plausible reason to want to be killed by vampires, don't you think?<strong>

**Hurr Hurr.**

**Has a nice day. :P**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again. I'm just letting you know that this last chapter will commemorate the splitting of the fourth movie into two parts. Oh, and that this is the last chapter and will probably make no sense, but I don't care.**

**And stop asking me to roleplay Twilight with you. I hate the franchise. Why is this not obvious to you?**

**Anyway, enjoy.**

* * *

><p>OMG you gais! My world is perfect now. Instead of Edward marrying Bella and having horrifyingly violent, non-descript, wild party sex to make a vampire child, they are now the base for the best rape, murder, and extreme fetish vore there is out there! Joy be my name.<p>

And, not to mention, I am living one hell of an existence. Everywhere I go they shun the nonbeliever. I am the queen of misery and am going to bring all you happy warts down with me. Misery loves company and so do I.

Man, and to think, I was just about to have a change of heart and fix the plot back to its original canon. Good thing I didn't, because if I did, then everyone and their mother would write wedding scenes featuring new vampires at Edward and Bella's wedding, and it would all suck because weddings suck.

And Vampires Suck, but that's beside the point.

I can't wait, just like the influx of wedding fanfiction that will be bestowed upon us after a majority of the teen girls who literally cried during the movie get home to write and have dreams about it. Specific types of dreams that I'm not going to go into further detail about because of the rating. But they just happen to be very not dry.

Teehee.

Yes, so I will tell you about the day everything went to hell, because my happiness could not possibly be enjoyed properly unless I tell you all how wonderful this little life of mine is. We'll start the day I returned to my world of horrid Twilight fanfiction. I might even do a jig later, but I will not let you know when.

*ahem*

So, after I returned to my world, it appeared as if nothing changed. All those people who worshiped Bella and everything she said, touched, or walked on—including her pseudo friends—were still doing just that, worshiping the hell out of her. I thought that maybe I hadn't done it right, or perhaps Alice told the author, Stephanie Somethingorother, that I had twisted canon and therefore author powers had to be used to rectify what I messed up.

But, then something strange happened.

I was sitting in that Biology class I mentioned earlier, and the teacher—who normally was a as one dimensional as nameless teachers came—asked if we would like to do something fun. That was a first. Who ever heard of a teacher asking students if they would like to do something fun? Suddenly, the teacher wiggled about in mid sentence and transformed in a shimmer of light.

And when he stopped his incessant babbling enough to notice the transformation, we—as in only me—all gasped. He was gorgeous. The most glittery sparkling teacher to ever exist. He also had hair as black as my soul, eyes as red/crimson/gold/black/red as the summer sky at midnight on a sunny day. He was a gorgeous specimen of a newly developed character as myself, if I was a boy.

Because, as everybody should know, boys can have boners.

That was a reference to something funny as all hell. You wouldn't get it because you're not cool enough.

Anyway, after everything was finished transforming, other students began to transform as well. They became unimaginably beautiful. Slender and tall, and very very pale. Almost an exact replica of me, but less attractive and more one dimensional. Because, as you know, I have no character development whatsoever.

Onto what happened next.

I had to escape, for the sparkly high school students wanted to not worship me, which was okay, except for the fact that they were doing it in a nice way that made my life not so much of a living hell. No, these pesky MARY-SUE wannabes were taking my life's mission away! I had to stop them, by any means necessary.

Which meant only one thing.

Yep, I needed to develop powers that would allow me to eradicate their existence by my mere presence. But, how was I going to do that?

"EDWARD!"

Edward, who had grown a pair since last seeing him, was sitting in an empty space. It was white all around, and he seemed to be floating in the space. Just existing. What happened to him?

"Oh," he said. "It's you. What do you want?"

"Why are all the teenagers turning into over glorified versions of themselves?"

"Oh, I don't know, probably because the only thing I'm good for is ruining your life and boning some guy named Jacob. Who apparently I love even though I hate him."

Well, at least that stayed canon. The hating part I mean.

"Leave me alone so I can scope out the new girl and proceed to whisk her away into a life of pure bliss and vampire wars."

Oh, wait a minute…I think I might be hatching a new plot.

"Edward, bite me!"

Now he seemed slightly offended. "Well, that was just rude, don't you know."

"No, I mean, turn me into a vampire!"

He folded his arms and looked away. "I'm afraid I can't do that. You see, we need to date for a while, I need to break your heart and abandon you, we need to get back together and marry each other, and then have wild non descript party sex so I can impregnate you, and then bite you at the last minute so our bastard vampire child won't kill you as it tears its way out of your stomach, scarring the teenage girls of the world who really think babies are born that way."

"Fine, can we do that?"

"No."

Hold on! Hold on! Please, allow me to sidebar for a moment. Just a moment, I promise.

I need to talk about this pregnancy thing and how ridiculous the whole thing was. In the original canon, Bella got pregnant by doing the wild thing with Edward for like…four days. She then finds out that she is pregnant, and is going to have a vampire-human child in a month. From what I understand, babies need a lot of calories and take a lot of energy from the mother in order to grow properly. Doing this same process in a month would require Bella to constantly eat and sleep. Because science estimates it takes about 75,000 calories over the course of ten months.

40/4=10. Ten months for full gestation.

Did Bella actually exhibit a constant need to eat a ton of food? And I mean a literal ton. 75,000 calories to ingest is a lot. I don't think I could even fathom how much food that is. And she had to consume that in one month. She would have to eat constantly for twenty-four hours a day in order to achieve that amount. And not only that, it would have to be at least semi healthy so that the baby will be a healthy weight when born.

Okay, I could rant about that aspect all day. Let me move onto the birth of the baby itself. When breaking the fourth wall, real Bella—aka Kristen Something—said in an interview with that website or whatever that she wanted the baby being born scene to scare people.

Well, it would for two reasons, one it would never happen like that, and two, it would never happen like that.

Though the physical labor is, well, laborious, babies do not chew, claw, or otherwise try to escape by any means. Though the thought of that happening is indeed scary, normal people will never in a thousand years ever have to deal with that possibly happening because it won't. It just won't. It's scary because you said it's scary. It's not scary because it will never happen, 'nuff said.

Allow me to explain how labor actually works for those girls out there who still believe that a baby will gnaw its way out of you.

First things first, the water breaks and the mucus plug is expelled. When the water breaks, all the amniotic fluid that the baby has been growing in is released from the uterus, and spills out. It's not a whole hell of a lot because there's a five to eight pound baby in there. All the fluids that used to be there was absorbed back into the mother's system as the baby grew.

Second, the contractions start. This happens because the cervix needs to dilate to allow the baby passage from the uterus to the outside world and the only way for that to happen is for the muscles to stretch. The contracting of the uterus also gets the baby ready to go.

After about, say, twelve hours, the contractions get harder and are closer together. At this time, the cervix may be about halfway dilated. Pain is immense. I mean, it's like somebody punts you repeatedly in the stomach and squeezes your innards with a vice grip and lets go, only to do it again five minutes later. This phase takes hours, sometimes even days.

The next phase, which is the pushing of the baby, is the most strenuous. It's usually not a very long process, maybe a couple of hours, sometimes more, sometimes less. But the whole body is strained in forcing a baby out of a hole that is far too small. Every ounce of energy is expended in this phase, and the body gets sweaty and exhausted. Many feel like giving up because the pain is so immense from being strained for several days before hand, since contractions take energy and so does everything else.

When the baby is finally delivered, the placenta must be expelled as well. A few minutes and a couple of weak pushes is all it takes. Then, more likely than not, the body suffers minor tearing which needs to be stitched up. Then, the mother passes out from exhaustion. But not before seeing the beautiful being she brought into the world.

Bella does none of this. She remains perfect in every way even though she should look like a hot tranny mess. I mean, even if the baby clawed its way out like a scene from the Alien movie franchise, she should not look pristine and glamorous. She just had a baby for Christ's sake! She should look like every other human being who gives birth: a hot tranny mess who just wants to sleep. Giving birth is a beautiful thing, a true feat on the mother's part, but, baby doll, it ain't pretty to look at, believe me.

Okay, sidebar over. You may continue.

"Why not? I mean, I'm perfectly capable of doing all of those things perfectly!"

Okay, this is getting boring, let's skip to the good part.

Hmmm….

I dated Edward.

He broke my heart.

I attempted suicide.

He came back.

We got married.

I had his vampire child.

There was a war at least once.

Oh, yeah, the war. We won. Because a vampire with the power to make things happen said that everything was going to be okay. Biggest effin' deus ex machina EVER!

I will everything to be okay with my will.

It happens.

I mean, what the hell?

Oh yeah, the end because that's it.

Oh, you wanna know the name of my vampire-human child?

Maryward Suellen.

The end.

Until a werewolf whose not a real werewolf imprinted on my child.

There was lots of hell to pay for that don't you know.

The end, for real this time.

And I lost my twisted canon back to original because the author found out through some unknown means that I broke her story. I bet it was the wolf kid. Jacob Something. Hmm….

And all was well, until wedding fanfiction flooded the site and made everyone's eyes bleed BLACK GOFFIK BLACK BLOOD!

Again, another reference that you mere mortals will never understand because you is not cool enough.

For real the end. I swear I'm not going to say anything else.

* * *

><p><strong>Revoos and praise plz. I don't want your flames, only praise and stuff. I mean it gais. :P<strong>


End file.
